In my psychotherapy practice, I often hear my clients share a similar story.
On paper, their lives look great. They have stable, high-paying jobs that they have worked very hard for over many years. They get promotions. They receive compliments. Higher-ups trust them. Colleagues rely on them. They are very good at what they do. Sure, they may run into challenging and stressful work situations, but they also have a proven track record of handling challenging situations. That’s why they are in the positions they are in at work.
When it comes to family life, it’s the same story. On paper, they seem to have a great, happy family. They’ve been married for many years, their kids love them, they take a couple of vacations throughout the year, and they’re involved in social activities, country clubs, kids’ sports events, etc.
So from the outside, it seems like they should feel very happy, accomplished, content, and grateful for what they have in their lives.
But in my therapy sessions, the stories I hear from these clients are actually very different. To be exact, most of the time, they’re almost the complete opposite.
They feel insecure at work. They feel intense pressure. They stare at the clock on Sunday nights with the Sunday scaries, feeling this sense of impending doom about having to go to work again on Monday. They are constantly anticipating that something bad will eventually happen. They worry their bosses will eventually be disappointed in them. They’re afraid their colleagues will eventually find out that they don’t deserve the compliments or admiration they’ve received. They’re afraid they’ll eventually let their team down.
When it comes to family life, it’s similar. They frequently worry about whether they’re doing enough for their families because they know that most of the time, when they’re spending time with their loved ones, they’re not really present. It’s like their bodies are there, but their minds are somewhere else.
This incessant inner pressure and anxiety is eating them alive on the inside. And before they realize it, they snap at their loved ones, and then they feel horrible. They think, “See, I am indeed a disappointment!”
So why do some high-achieving professionals, who are so hardworking, responsible, and conscientious, feel so much anxiety and worry even though nothing bad is actually happening in their lives?
Well, before we understand the why, we first need to understand what’s actually driving the anxiety and worry they’re experiencing.
What’s driving the anxiety and overthinking?
From my perspective as a therapist who specializes in working with this population, some of the thoughts that tend to drive this type of anxiety and worry sound something like:
“What if I make a mistake? What if I let people down? What if they judge me? What if I don’t know how to do this? What if people won’t like me or trust me anymore?”
It just sounds like these individuals, for some reason, have a very low tolerance for imperfection and uncertainty.
Because they somehow feel they can’t tolerate these things, their minds go into overload, trying to prepare, plan, overthink, overanalyze, and overperform. And that’s why they feel so anxious and worried.
So when we ask, “Why am I worried for no reason?” there is actually a good reason. It’s just that the “reason” hasn’t happened yet.
Their minds are living in the future.
Basically, anxiety is saying, “Well, this might happen in the future, so you better prepare for it now.”
Logically, this doesn’t make sense because it hasn’t happened, and it might never happen. But anxiety says, “Well, how do you know? It might happen.”
So to anxiety, there is every reason to prepare for it!
Here’s the frustrating piece for a lot of people: “Since I already know logically that nothing has even happened yet, why can’t I just shut my mind up? I hate that about myself! I should know better!”
It’s like the more aware they become of their anxiety, the harder it becomes for them to fix it!
I always jokingly say to my clients: You can’t hate your way out of this, because hate is never the answer.
Understanding where the anxiety comes from
What we want to do instead is become even more curious about that low tolerance for imperfection and uncertainty.
Where does that come from? When did we learn that being imperfect is not acceptable, and being uncertain is not safe? When did we learn that making mistakes will bring disappointment, judgment, and even rejection? When did we learn that we need to anticipate the future in order to feel safe?
That’s usually where my work with clients comes in.
In my practice, what I try to help my clients with is really understanding the root of the problem, instead of just focusing on the stuff at the surface level and managing the symptoms.
A lot of times, when we explore where these patterns come from and what experiences may have contributed to this low tolerance for imperfection and uncertainty, some amazing revelations and connections happen.
But these revelations and connections don’t happen just on a cognitive level through traditional talk therapy, where you simply “talk” about your problems.
We need to go deeper, to an emotional and body level. We need to lean into the parts of you that feel insecure, fearful, worthless, or even ashamed.
It’s often those parts of ourselves that are so afraid of failure, disappointment, judgment, and rejection. Those are the parts of ourselves we need to get to know, befriend, care for, and love.
When those parts can truly begin to feel that I’m okay the way I am, that all parts of me are acceptable, and that even if some bad things happen, I can trust myself to handle them, that’s when the mind can finally begin to relax and rest instead of constantly being on overdrive.
That’s the work I do in my practice with my clients. I use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help clients work through those vulnerable parts of themselves and process the experiences that may have contributed to these patterns.
The goal isn’t to become someone who never makes mistakes, never feels uncertain, or never experiences anxiety. It’s to get to a place where you no longer feel that you have to be perfect, anticipate everything, or have everything under control in order to feel okay.
You can still be successful, ambitious, hardworking, and responsible without constantly feeling like you have something to prove. You can make mistakes without questioning your worth. You can spend time with your family without your mind constantly worrying about what might go wrong tomorrow.
And perhaps most importantly, you can finally begin to enjoy the life you’ve worked so hard to build.
Looking for help with anxiety and perfectionism?
If you recognize yourself in this article, you don’t have to keep figuring it all out on your own. Therapy can help you understand what’s driving your anxiety, chronic overthinking, perfectionism, and the constant pressure to get everything right.
I’m Joy Gillespie, MSW, LCSW, an EMDRIA Certified Therapist, and I provide online therapy for adults in Missouri and Arkansas. My approach incorporates EMDR and Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help clients explore and work through the deeper emotional patterns contributing to their anxiety.
I offer a free 30-minute consultation where we can talk about what’s bringing you to therapy, answer your questions, and determine whether working together would be a good fit.
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